Been Reading, Been Writing — Update

Ok. I freely admit that I have avoided the various David Bowie tributes like the plague. How can they pay tribute to a man who, in my mind, is still alive? It’s offensive! Not to mention too soon…


Then we have the Trump inauguration. Which means his run for POTUS wasn’t some huge, unfunny joke.

Trump in a bathrobe. Eeewwww.
Trump in a bathrobe. Eeewwww.

And then my Nikita dies. The kitten that I got to keep me company when a cruel judge gave my son’s abusive dad 2 weeks in July and 2 weeks in August — which was used the first year to “fatten” our son up and which his dad gave up — last minute — the 2nd year. Either way, that first year, as I cried myself to sleep, worrying about the various abuses my son’s dad and girlfriend at the time were doing, it was my autumn colored Nikita (the Russian female of Nicholas, my son’s name), who dried my tears on her fur and lulled me to sleep with her purring. She slept on my chest until she got too big and then slept by my side. She was always there for me. The night I realized that she wouldn’t make it, we sat in the dark as I scritched her favorite spots and she purred. Just before 3 a.m., she put her hands /front paws on my leg, took three deep breaths, and she was gone.

Nikita didn't like posing for pictures.
Nikita didn’t like posing for pictures.
  • Ema was there, too, my tuxedo girl, 2 years older but dying of thyroid cancer 16 days after Nikita. The tumor was in her throat and, even if I’d had the money, nobody would operate. Like Nikita, she wasn’t in pain — until the last few hours. Having worked in a cat clinic, I know how to euthanize a cat, and due to my health problems, I had the ingredients legally. I went to the pharmacy downstairs to get what looked like a mini-turkey baster, albeit a bit big for a cat, and returned to find Ema deadd3333.
Ema / Emanon (
Ema / Emanon (“No Name” backwards as I wasn’t ready for a new cat.)

And that’s how I spent my first 2 months of the year: inauguration; crying and carrying my dead cats down the hallway to the trash conpactor because I had nowhere to bury them. Fortunately, my son always considered Nikita my cat, but we were given Ema by my son’s dad when we first moved in and my son was 18 months old. I’d said, after Fluffy, my 22.5 year old cat dying the previous year, that I wasn’t ready. But does Bad Dad listen? (Only to the committee’s in his head. A story I’m working on.)

It’s not gotten any easier to write / type fast on a phone. And I’m trying to get out my autobiography: the drugs, the Pro Dom, the years I spent trying to get my dad to love me. Which is more interesting? What will people relate to more?

We had two cats die within sixteen days of one another. Nikita in January, Ema in February. 

Our therapist went on permanent maternity leave and suddenly the replacement therapist couldn’t fit us in her schedule. So why did New Therapist say that she could see us? I was going Thursday morning and my son Friday after school. First new therapist switched my son to Wednesday, his only early day off but with getting up at 6am, school, therapy, getting home at 7pm, homework just didn’t fit — which I’d said would happen. My Thursday mornings became Monday mornings, but Monday is just a bad day because I know that my weekends with my son are limited and a strong depression hits me Monday. Was that the last weekend before my son decides I’m not cool, or that his friends are cooler?

So we stopped going.(Update: I’ve since called the place we went. We both need therapy. No call back. I’ll try again today, Thursday, since I first called Monday.)

I’ve been reading books about drugs (“Fall to Pieces”, by Mary Forsberg Weiland; “Not Dead & Not for Sale”, by Scott Weiland) and the time that I was using and… I know that I would never use while my son is living at home; honestly, I probably never will have my goddess heroin in me again — but if I had to state that, it would be harder to shut that voice off. That, “Once is ok” voice. So I tell myself that I’ll be able to in a decade, in 8 years…

Off Topic Story

Back when I was using in college (I’m a “functional addict”: I can support my habit legally, work, go to school with a B+ / 3.3 average, A in my major, Political Science.), I was going down an escalator when I saw a payphone. It was nearing my 27 March birthday, and I was afraid I was becoming an addict. I called an ex who had moved to L.A. and she said I could spend the first week of Spring Break there.(Not sure if I told her why.) The week before, Scott Weiland went on Howard Stern. I’d seen the drug scene change and figured Scott wouldn’t have the same dealer. I had connections and planned to bring him some heroin and a bit of coke. But then he said that he was “clean”. Well, I’m not going to tempt him so I never went. That day, he was arrested for trying to buy drugs. Dumbass! My birthday happened. I went to a Rancid show the next night with my fake friend, who had once been a real friend, and the cold cheese on warm bread sandwhich just kept coming up. (Ironically during, “Dope Sick Girl”.) I’d seen them a bunch of times so I left. I finished my last half bag when I got home and woke Friday 2 March to large snowflakes. I had a flight to L.A.! I brought an apple but was so dope sick the entire six hours. As I got off the plane, my ex lit up, but was pointing to the guy in front of me; I was staring at his awesome ass. He stumbled, turned, banged into me muttering about leaving his hat… Scott Weiland! My ex and I said our Hello’s, she admitted that I was right about needing a car in Los Angeles (she’d never been before moving out there; I wish that I could do that.), and got on one of those moving walkways. The place was empty except for Scott and some girl who glared at me while Scott looked at me from the walkway opposite ours. I wanted to run over and ask about any connections he might have, before remembering this was a time to detox. And that’s my Scott Weiland story. Exciting, no? (Sarcasm)

So, I’m still working on my TAROT DECK. I’d love to find
a visual artist

who could help me with my tarot deck. I’m not sure why it’s so hard. Maybe because I can’t offer money?

Then there’s the story I thought my ex had completely deleted: I had floor plans; lists of characters including date of birth; date of death (& reason); relationship to other characters; etc. I had an outline, etc. Now I’ve got a few notes, but maybe it’ll be enough to write The Great American Novel my dad always referred to (still trying to please my dad. Pathetic.).

Yesterday, Monday, 27 March, was my birthday. My grandma guilt tripped me so I guilt tripped​ my son into seeing my dad. (Christianity anditta Catholicism come from Judaism, so we have been using guilt thousands of years before the Catholics.). Unfortunately​, I had a cold and missed the Birthday celebration which went on without me. Odd. How do you celebrate someone’s birthday without them present but still alive? My dad bought my son an expensive video camera and is giving us (another) hand-me-down-I-hope-there’s-no-porn-like-last-time. The laptop is more important than the camera. We NEED a laptop.

Maybe next year I’ll be included in my own birthday celebration 
Blessed Be,

Do. K. Stevens

End of 2016: Cleaning Out Drafts

It all started with a simple tweet from Lynette Noni, ofAkarnae fame:

Leigh Bardugo(@LBardugo on Twitter) has written some amazing books; I began with The Grisha Trilogy on Scribd: 

Ruin and Rising

Siege and Storm,

and

Shadow and Bone.

These books have Alina Sarkov as the main character in a world that is similar to Russia, but not quite. There are people called, “Grisha”, who have different powers: the Squallers, dressed in blue, who can control the winds; Inferni who can control fire; Heartrenders who can slow and stop your heart; and so on. Alina is an orphan fgom Ravka, which was split in two pieces with The Fold between them. The Fold is a place of pure darkness, but Alina is the first Sun (Light) Summoner in hundreds of years. She goes for training and meets The Darkling who says they were meant to destroy The Fold together. As these are YA (Young Adult) novels, Alina is divided between the boy she grew up with, a tracker named Mal (I feel that I should point out that “mal” means “bad” in most common languages.), or The Darkling.

“The Darkling” by @fictograph on Twitter

After reading The Grisha Trilogy on Scribd, I knew that I had to read The Six of Crows and it’s sequal, Crooked Kingdom. The characters are different, but it takes place after the events of The Grisha Trilogy. While I believe that we should support our fellow writers as much as we can, I am on Disability. My monthly income doesn’t cover rent on a crappy, falling apart, Hellhole, much less transportation (I have go pay for my son on non-school days now), laundry, toilet paper/ paper tosels, electricity (I’d include gas, but cannot affkrd tbe minjmum $20-$30/month), etc. So I found two sites where I could read these books for free:

http://www.bestlib4u.net

http://www.manybooks4u.net

Oh, while we’re on the subject of Free Online sruff:

THE WALKING DEAD:

I was talking to a crush of mine who is into The Walking Dead. My son is scared of zombies (even though, in addition to a Fire Safety Plan we have a Zombie Escape Plan), so I’ve only seen the first couple of seasons. But I’ve read the comic since issue #1. Turns out, I don’t have to wait gor the graphic novel or the Compendium. If you Google, “Walking Dead Comic Free“, you’ll find a site that has them all. Free.I’m now up to #147.

How cool is that?

(and everything I wrote was deleted, so I’ll try to start over a bit…)

And from high school… The 1000 Point Purity Test

Crochet Lovers: Black Cat Slouch Hat – Free Crochet Cat Hat Pattern – Persia Lou

http://persialou.com/2015/11/black-cat-slouch-hat-free-crochet-pattern.html

Apps, Old and New:

*  Creative diary
A very good diary, although there is a $10 yearly fee to access all of the features. I think that it is worth is with or without the yearly fee.

*All Social Media and 1 App:

I love these apps that combine many online accounts into one app. This app combines many social media apps with other online apps. Here are just the Socisl Media apps All Social Media has:

I’m also looking at / trying out 1 App

As you can see, both apps (which take up less than 2mb of space) are awesome. I’m still not sure which I’ll keep and which will go.

* Brain Games
Many games to help keep your brain in shape. My 12 year old don really enjoys them and you czn play them underground (on a train or subway).

*Word Wheel
Too much like my original Word Wheel. Same name, but the only problem with the Original Word Wheel I have is that there are onky 12 levels.

*Headspace – meditation

Reccommended by Gerard Way, former lead singer of My Chemical Romance, I had to try it. It is an excellent app for beginners, although the down side is that it won’t go onto hour SD card.


October 2016: Three weeks ago, I started Monday off with a yearly checkup at my clinic. Despite my seeing my Primary Care Doctor and my Pain Dr the previous week. The yearly checkup includes meeting with the very nice doctor whom, after 4 years, I cannot understand due to his accent and so I wind up getting stuck with way more needles than anyone else because I smile and nod. The TB (Tuberculosis) test goes in the ring of my Sandman Key To Hell tattoo on my forearm because, four years ago, I squealed, “Don’t stick the needle in the tattoo!” and this has apparently become a runnjng joke between us. Then it’s an EKG test and having blood taken.

Sandman Key To Hell

When I first started there, instead of the required monthly meetings with one’s counselor, I chose to go weekly when I found out his speciality was PTSD* (read my previous posts like, “This Is What It’s Like” — which still needs a good ending — and you’ll see why I have PTSD. I see a seperate therapist once a week but I needed it at the time as I was new to the whole “being crippled by your son’s dad in front of your son and the court giving the dad more unsupervised visitation despite video of the incident”.) On the way to my then counselor, I would pass the nurse who took my blood and try to joke around with her. I’ve since found ojt it’s not me, it’s her — even the males say she’s a bitch.

So last Monday I sat in the chair and didn’t try to joke or do more than be polite. She stuck in the needle, took a few vials, removed the needle, and handed me a single gauze to cover the vein. Unfortunately, she had hit a really good spot and the blood bubbled up through the gauze, down my arm in three streams, and onto the arm-rest before she could hand me more gauze and alcohol(!!!) pads. “Ohmig-d, I am. So. Sorry.” I said, pressing extra gauze and ripping open alcohol pads with one hand. I was mortified. And a bit woozy.

She grunted. Literally grunted. Wha???

I wiped the blood off the arm-rest, my arm, kept applying pressure, added fresh gauze, one bandaid, two, the blood would not stop flowing. Finally I left the room with three gauze pads and two bandaids, trying to hold my phone, sweatshirt and bag, all while applying pressure and I still had to get on line to get medicated. And the blood had already soaked through, so I was basically trying to keep the gauze and bandaids in place while returning three bottles and drinking my methadone.

BIKE BRUISE:

I decided to head home. Unfortunately, I missed the 4th Avenue bus stop and figured since I needed a new goodie, I’d get off at 5th Avenue to go to DII (D2, which used to be, “Dee & Dee”). As I walked up the wheelchair ramp, holding onto the railing with my right hand, I suddenly felt like I hadbeen stabbed in the upper right thigh.

The culpret? A bicycle chained to the bars with the handlebar sticking out so that, 3 weeks later, I can still see the outline in the bruise on my upper thigh.

I went home and slept… 

Blessed Be,

I’ve celebrated the Jewish New Year and

The Wiccan/ Pagan New Year,

The Goyem is a bit much.

Happy Holidaze,

Be safe and careful,

D. K. Stevens

Wallowing In Self-Pity & Getting “The Art of Asking” by Amanda Palmer

It’s been almost five years since my son’s dad put me in a choke-hold and slammed my spine on his knee. At first, after numerous tests (CT-scans, MRI’s, X-rays, etc), it was only two herniated and one bulging disc with massive nerve damage. Apparently, my son’s dad had hit that magical “Sweet Spot” which resulted in nerve damage in both my upper and lower body. At last count, I have three herniated discs in the lower (lumbar) spine, with bulging discs on either side (“Like bookends,” I told my pain dr.). The nerve damage causes muscle spasms which can sometimes pull a muscle; the herniatef, and bulging, discs cause, well, a lot of fucking pain.
Continue reading “Wallowing In Self-Pity & Getting “The Art of Asking” by Amanda Palmer”

Tarot Reading for X

I’ve been working on a post to fully describe my personal spread that I use for tarot readings, but it isn’t quite finished. I’ve decided to put the cart before the horse and post this reading for a good friend, and when I finish the post on my tarot spread, I will insert a link.
Continue reading “Tarot Reading for X”

Google Play Store Comments and Reviews (Morning Writing Pages)

image

[Google Play Store is where people with Android phones can download apps, books, music, and videos. I’m not sure what the iPhone equivalent is because I don’t care to spend one month’s rent for a phone that will be obsolete and not working in a year.]

My son and I “test” a lot of games, and I “test” various other apps and reading material. I use the word, “test”, because we usually go thru the tutorial and then delete it. With all of the thousands (millions?) of games available, you would think we’d never come across a game we’d played before — but it does happen. Quite often, actually.
Once you’ve begun to download an app, even before it is installed on your phone (tablet or otherwise), you can leave a comment. This is why there are comments saying an app won’t open and could the developers please let the individual know when it is fixed?

The star rating goes from one star to five stars. There is space for a comment, with a bold header.
Maybe it’s because I write (and have an Editor- in- residence in my head), but I appreciate it when people leave a rating, along with an explanation of why s/he gave that rating. When I fill it out, it helps me remember why I uninstalled in the first place.
It is helpful if a review matches the number of stars given. Reading the comments from other people makes my undiagnosed OCD go nutty. How can a four star rating be matched with a diatribe against the app, the developers, and their firstborn child? Or a one star rating followed by, “Dis is da bezzzt app EVA!”? Things like a one star review that reads, “Osum” (I’m assuming that writer meant “awesome”), or a four star rating filled with complaints makes people (read: snobs like me) think you’re not very bright or not very sane. Then again, I have left reviews that said, simply, “Boring”, or, worse, “Meh”.

Continue reading “Google Play Store Comments and Reviews (Morning Writing Pages)”