My son N has lived with me since he was born. Less than an hour after N was born, his dad, aka BD for Bad Dad, said he wanted nothing to do with either of us.
I had been homeless during most of my high-risk pregnancy because BD had kept promising a place but as he was living with his mom, why bother with the girl he had to drug to get pregnant? Further, he knew he could always get sex because I had such low self-esteem from killing a previous pregnancy that during the year we did live together, BD had managed to gain complete control over every aspect of my life. (pathetic on my part I know but that’s what low self-esteem will do.)
N stayed in the NICU for a month. He told me to say I lived with him or they’d take my son from me.
Low self-esteem or not, I’m a bad liar and the smart social worker figured out something abusive was going on. She gave me a phone number for what turned out to be a domestic violence shelter.
But I screwed up.
I thought I knew better and kept taking my infant on a 3hour round-trip to see BD who would rock N to sleep and have sex with me. Then he served me with DNA testing papers which led to custody papers.
When I pointed out he could see N whenever he wanted he said he was doing it to hurt me because I hadn’t loved him enough. When I pointed out he showed no interest in our son he said he’d gotten me pregnant to bond us together for life. He knew I’d be a good mom.
The first time I saw BD hit N, he was 4months old and strapped into his stroller.
More in Part II