I’ve had MRI’s before.
I’ve also done my research: there is not one single solitary case of the MRI machine collapsing into large, heavy, sharp pieces of metal while someone was in one. (There are no reported cases of that happening, period.)
But I’m still terrified.
I have removed my below the neck piercings. I’ll remove the earrings tomorrow as I wait for the Valium to kick in. The Valium is also packed in my bag, along with a book on CSI (Crime Scene Investigations) cases and two journal / notebooks. The spiral has my notes on Amanda Palmers Art of Asking. The smaller book contains one entry from last week: David Bowie died this morning.
I’ve got a slight cold, my throat is swollen and sore.
I tried reaching out to my parents: biological mom hasn’t had a chance to answer; father responded he was “too busy with court before [his] surgery”. His surgery is in mid-february and it is a legal holiday. I’m his only child and my only child still wants to beat up his grandfather (my dad) for nasty things my father said about me in front of my son. My fathers only sibling isn’t talking to him. If all he could write was one sentence then dont answer; don’t keep bringing my son and me up to my grandmother (his mother) pretending he wants a relationship with us.
But that’s not really what’s bothering me or causing me to hide in the bathroom despite my son already being asleep.
I think I’m getting tired of going thru all of this medical crap by myself. I decided that since my taste in males is horrible and I can’t talk to women, i would be celibate and concentrate on being a mom. My son went thru some pretty traumatic stuff (I’m writing about it now but it’s long and detailed and involves court), so it was a good idea at first. However, people who don’t have medical problems have a low tolerance for hearing about those that do– and i don’t blame them. Heck, I’m sick of hearing about all of my medical problems! And since most of my life revolves around my kid and my health, it’s next to impossible to make new friends. Old friends just slip away into their own lives. (Another thing people have low tolerance for: stories about other peoples kids. I see people on the trains and buses. Person A us talking about their kid while Person B is counting the minutes because if they’ve listened to five minutes about Person A’s kid they feel they can talk about their kid for ten minutes.)
There’s a reason I refer to Facebook “friends” in quotes. Most of them are people I never have and never will meet in person. And the majority of the people I have met in person are people I haven’t seen in years
Back to the MRI. Last year I was told L3-5 (L is for Lumbar or Lower spine) were herniated, with a bulging disc on either side. “Like book ends?” I asked. Few Dr’s get my humor, although I’m finding more and more people online who are able to laugh at amd make jokes about their medical problems. But that’s the problem: they’re online. There’s a reason I refer to Facebook “friends” in quotes. Most of them are people I never have and never will meet in person. And the majority of the people I have met in person are people I haven’t seen in years.
It’s getting late and I have to get up early. Let’s hope I’m allowed to listen to music during my MRI. Or that the Valium is strong.