Monday 20 June 2011

Monday 20 june 2011 1pm (exactly)

Imagine your worst nightmare, your most terrifying (childhood) memory. The one which led you to be claustrophobic, even though you know that’s a silly phobia, but having been locked in closets at various points by a biological mother who was showing you what her mother had done to her and…

Along with removing my piercing, I think I removed part of my brain. I wound up on Ocean Parkway instead of Ocean Ave, walked almost a mile to Avenue U, caught the bus, and arrived at Ocean Ave for my MRI. One on the lower back; one on the neck / right shoulder. It didn’t even occur to me to take some extra xanax for anxiety, or at least bring some with me.

The woman was so nice. She started with the lower back, said it would be about 15minutes. I smiled, I could do that standing on my head (well, not literally…). I lie down, the machine moves into place.

It wasn’t the noise the machine made. I could see out, a little, and I began with trying to close my eyes and take a nap. I had, after all, just walked a mile in platform flip-flops in 85 degree weather. I could do this.

Time passed.

How long had it been?

I was locked in the closet, and my cats were with me: Flo (Flower, then Florence Nightingale Catt, but Flo for short. She was a nervous cat, ever since we were robbed and one of the robbers kicked her across the room with his ugly worker’s boot, bruising her ribs); Blanche (the white cat my biological mother loved best, I was never sure if she would be included); and my precious, darling, perfect cat, Fluffy, the one whose face will be tattooed on me somewhere at some point soon.

But there were no cats and I was in a tube and what if it suddenly moved into the tube more, how would I get out?

Think happy thoughts. Think calming thoughts. Yoga thoughts: inhale deep into your diaphragm, exhale. With each exhalation, imagine a part of your body relaxing, beginning with your toes, and working your way up.

Screw this — get me the fuck OUT OF HERE!!!

So I freaked.

I’m naked of my piercings, some of which have been in for almost two decades.

I’m back in that closet, with my cats, and I don’t know when I’m going to be let out and…

I lasted 5 minutes.

FIVE MINUTES.

And I’m only giving you the short version of what went through my mind.

So the woman tells me I should get some valium. I mention I have a xanax script, but I don’t carry it with me.

Guess I have to call the pain dr for a few valium, huh?

 

Tomorrow, N (my son) & I are playing hooky. Well, he is. I have to go to the program, hopefully go down one agonizingly slow mg at a time, and then give blood at my medical place.

Yes, the place where ShyStudBoyMuffin works. But N knows to keep his mouth shut. And cute boy won’t even be there since he gets in later than we will.

However, I have told StudShyMuffinBoy that this is the last Wednesday train ride I can sexually harass him since N is getting out of school next week. I do have a sitter, a friend, a neighbour, who will watch N but I’d rather use her services for getting ShyStud in my air conditioned room, on my bed, with his… okay, he’s legal, but still, is it right for me to be talking about fooling around & my huge, luscious breasts & his hard… yeah. I should get ready to get my son. I could also use a cold shower. Danm it, if he wasn’t into fluffy chicks, why hang out with me? We both agree we don’t want a relationship, just some fun, so fucking kiss me already!!! I’d kiss him but I think I might cry if he pushed me off of him…

 

So I did a few quick tarot readings, and in every reading got the Ace of Pentacles. Different positions, but still… the Ace of Pentacles generally means, “perfect contentment, felicity, ecstasy; also speedy intelligence; gold.” {according to the Waite deck}. My Mystic Faerie Tarot says, “you are in a fortunate position of having enough skill and resources to create the life you want. You are in a good place that has everything you need. Look around you and recognize all the beauty and gifts in your life. Honor these gifts by expressing your gratitude and by using your skills to make the most of your opportunity.” huh???

Methinks I might have to do a real reading, using one of my many decks of cards, as opposed to a computer deck reading.

 

Ok. Time to get ready to pick up the boy.

We aren’t online so I’ll have to post this later.

Blessed Be. )0(

 

 

8:48pm

We — my son, N & I — went to his friend T’s apt. his mom L & I get along great, although I was a bit concerned that she was asking me for xanax. I told her — truthfully — that I didn’t have any. We hung out, I read her tarot cards (she asked a career question & got ALL pentacles, the suit of $ which I’ve NEVER seen before).so when she walked us home I gave her some percs…

 my BootyCall is getting annoying — if I don’t answer his txts right away he acts like a BOYFRIEND.

StudShyMuffinBoy actually answered me when I texted him that if he didn’t kiss me Wednesday I would scream. I think i’m going to call him and work out the details…

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